Human Attraction Is Not about Words

Learning to use space and touch

Three years ago, my friend Bryan Caplan suggested that men overcome information problems with women they are interested in dating by asking them if they want to hold hands. I agree with Bryan more often than almost anyone else, but I commented that I didn’t think this was a great idea. I recently thought about this article again, in part due to talking to Steven Pinker about his book on common knowledge, and it made me want to write about what I think are better ways to go about solving the real problem Bryan points to.

The issue is that you, as a man, may want to date a woman. It’s too forward to ask “will you go on a romantic date with me?” Sometimes you might say “we should hang out some time” instead. Being too direct is potentially embarrassing for you because she might say no, which is even worse if other people are around or you have overlapping social or professional circles. For the woman’s part, she herself may not want to be put on the spot. If she is still undecided about you as a potential partner, and women are often ambivalent about such things, saying yes might raise expectations and be too much of a commitment, while saying no could close off an opportunity she still wants to explore. A “maybe” is too honest, making her seem indecisive.

There are good reasons not to be too direct in many areas of life, as Pinker explains:

In an episode of The Sopranos, a member of the family accosts an old acquaintance in a store, pays for his candy bar, and says, “Listen, Danny, we just want you to know how glad we are a guy like you is on the jury [of the] Junior Soprano trial… [You’re a] hard-working guy. Wife and two kids. Performing a civic duty we should all take part in. We know you’ll do the right thing.”

No one knows where the classic sexual come-on “Would you like to come up and see my etchings?” originated… The twenty-first-century equivalent is the invitation to “Netflix and chill,” now well enough known to have inspired an album title by Ariana Grande, a flavor of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, a brand of condoms, and its own Wikipedia entry…

Threats follow a similar logic. A plain-speaking extortionist would be incriminating himself with his very words and risk legal penalties, just like a briber. He faces the additional risk that the target will call his bluff by defying the threat. To maintain the reputation on which his livelihood depends, the extortionist would have to carry out the threat, which can be risky and expensive and yet is pointless after it has failed in its purpose of coercing the target. A veiled threat solves both problems. If he’s reported, it’s hard to find him guilty of extortion beyond a reasonable doubt for merely encouraging a juror to “do the right thing.” And if he’s defied, he can choose not to carry out the threat without literally going back on his word and forfeiting his credibility.

Sexual come-ons face the identification problem big-time. People (at least, people of one of the sexes) are highly selective in who they sleep with, so a proposition is a gamble with a high payoff if the interest is reciprocated and a high cost if it is rebuffed. The cost is in the awkwardness of a relationship mismatch between, on one side, carnal and romantic communality and, on the other, platonic communality (among friends), equality (among coworkers), or authority (when it’s a student or supervisee—in which case there is legal jeopardy as well). As with the driver and the cop, or the diner and the maître d’, the verbal art is in landing on the optimal level of vagueness: subtle enough that an uninterested partner can choose to let it slide, but not so subtle that it goes over the head of an interested partner.

Bryan’s argument was that asking “can I hold your hand?” allows for direct feedback. No one can call you a predator for asking a woman to hold hands, and if she agrees, then the relationship is clearly romantic in nature. I would argue that this is closer to simply asking whether a woman wants to go out on a date than more skillful ways of transitioning the status of a relationship from platonic to romantic.

So what should you do instead? That is what I will tell you below, following my practice of trying to keep the important philosophical and political posts free, while paywalling the personal stuff and self-help. One could say that teaching men how to form relationships with women also has a social purpose, but I’m still going to paywall this on the grounds that if you’re too cheap or poor to pay $7, I’m not sure you deserve to reproduce.