The Beautiful Ironies of Epstein Conspiracy Theories

Can we finally see how MAGA ends?

For years, I’ve been going on about the human capital problem on the right, and it sometimes seems like the news is being scripted to prove correct everything that I say about the nature of MAGA and the differences between the two sides of the political spectrum. My views on the Jeffrey Epstein scandal are that,

1. There is practically no evidence that he was trafficking underage girls to other men, for purposes of blackmail or otherwise

2. He killed himself

3. The most prominent person in public life who had a close connection to him was easily Donald Trump.

On this last point, Trump and Epstein were long-time social acquaintances starting in the 1980s, regularly appearing together at parties in Manhattan. Epstein owned a mansion down the street from Mar-a-Lago, where he was a regular. In tapes released just before the 2024 election, the disgraced billionaire boasts that he was Trump’s “closest friend for ten years,” and says that the first time he slept with Melania was on the “Lolita Express.” While MAGAs spin conspiracy theories about Epstein’s dealings with Bill Clinton and Bill Gates, neither of them had a personal relationship with him anywhere near as close.

Moreover, when Epstein died, Donald Trump was in office. I found it very funny that the day he killed himself, the president was retweeting conspiracy theories like he was some random bystander. It was a federal prison! He was the head of the executive branch! How stupid could these people be? If you want to put forth a conspiracy theory about Epstein, you start with Donald Trump, his good friend who had ultimate responsibility for overseeing federal prisons when he died.

One would think that perhaps Democrats would have been the ones to become obsessed with Epstein. If this sounds plausible to you, it’s because you don’t understand how the two sides of the political spectrum are different. Conservatives will imagine a conspiracy theory even when none exists, especially if it involves pedophilia, one of their favorite subjects. Members of the leftist establishment are so immune to conspiratorial thinking at this point that they’re incapable of exploiting even the most obvious partisan gift. And please for the love of God stop bringing up Russiagate. You keep having to reach back almost a decade now to find your false equivalency, while the right has become dominated by conspiratorial thinking from top to bottom. At the recent Turning Point USA event, Jeffrey Epstein got more attention than practically any other issue. Gribblism is swallowing every other part of the conservative coalition.

Now, of course, Democrats can no longer help themselves. They are calling for the release of more documents from the Epstein case. I’m personally not too worried about this as a signal that they’re becoming more like MAGA. Democrats are so far from this kind of chuddery that there’s little danger of that. They would be fools to pass up such a golden political opportunity created by their opponents. Moreover, now that Trump is going around saying that the Epstein files were fabricated by Democrats to make him look bad, there’s a legitimate case to be made that the government should release whatever it has. Democrats need to be calling for the release of more information as part of a strategy of self-defense, if nothing else.

Already, one sees MAGA pivoting. Steve Bannon and Alex Jones were just today sitting together and encouraging Trump to release the files and be transparent about how the Deep State changed what was in there. The message seems to be that Trump can win back the conspiracy theorists by giving them what is in some ways an even more elaborate conspiracy, in which the Epstein files not only exist and are damaging to powerful people, but have been altered. They will willingly fall in line behind any story that Trump tells them about his own relationship with Epstein, as long as he lets them continue to believe in some kind of pedophilia-themed narrative in which liberals are still the villains.

To emphasize just how slimy these people are, note that Bannon was doing PR work for Epstein shortly before he died, and claims to have 15 hours of taped interviews that he has inexplicably never released. They are all partners in manipulating a very stupid and gullible fanbase, and no one among the MAGA influencers seems inclined to ask Bannon any uncomfortable questions regarding his own relationship with Epstein. That fanbase has revolted only because Trump told them to move on, but if he feeds them a new conspiracy to their liking, no matter how absurd, they will remain loyal soldiers.

Why is Trump yet to go along? He may be losing his touch. I think that the Cult of Personality has gotten so extreme and existed for so long that he may no longer feel the need to play along with narratives if doing so causes him any level of personal annoyance. Age may also be a factor in him losing his instinct for how to keep them happy.

Regardless, I think one thing we’ve learned here is that there may be a way for the Trump Cult to break apart. If it happens, it won’t be because he cut Medicaid, didn’t deport enough immigrants, or some other fanfic scenario cooked up by those who are still desperate to find a way to explain MAGA as somehow being related to rational grievances. With the exception of a certain crude masculinity that manifests itself in personal courage, Trump is not only a pathological liar but more lacking in virtue than anyone else in politics. If the spell is somehow broken, it’ll be because, relative to Trump, the influencers who have profited off his rise are even worse human beings, and the audience that they chase is even more disconnected from reality.